So Prelims happened on 3rd June and it was a troublesome day but I got over it in a couple of days. I think I was so tired with the process that all my emotions were washed away. I got over being tired, made a new plan and started working on it in 3-4 days. It also made me realize how much more I should have worked earlier. The last month before prelims when I fought for every minute to the end was lesson for how I need to use my time ahead. There were many other insights as well: how ridiculously complacent I have been about the process in several phases, how I wasted time on unimportant things and how I didn’t know how to study and revise things. All my overconfidence and ego was shattered, I have only been humbled for the good I guess.

Anyway, result came out on 14th July and I saw my world crashing down for unexplained reasons. Unexplained because there is no rationality behind it, I knew this was to happen, I was not going to get through.

There has been a lot I have been through this year. Falling severely ill from late March to mid May, on several days I have wondered if I will even survive all of this. I have felt as if the world for me has reached its limits. I broke down in front of my family, a first as I would usually do that only in solitude. Through all of this there was only one thing that kept me going: studying whatever little I could, even if it was for a couple of hours and hoping I will get through Prelims, something good will happen in my life. That is the only reason for my sanity even today.

Nevertheless, I accept this failure. Most importantly, I accept my mistakes. My fallacies, complacency, inadequate hard work, failure to stick to plans. So I am not going to repeat these mistakes and win over this time. I have to.

The last few days after result were made more tough by some unexpected people but I also found glimmers of hope here and there. On 15th, I was at the park, angry with everything, to the extent I had tears though invisible with the sweat on my face. Right then Prince, a little boy who frequents the park on weekends walks up to me and asks me “Didi race lagaoge mere saath?”. Pleasantly baffled, I said of course yes and the two rounds of racing with him made me forget all my pain for that moment.

Of course the pain came back, in flashes and due to several triggers. Late at night on 15th when I could take no more I called up few friends. This vishesh friend of mine sang Que Sera, Sera for me. He called me after we had our conversation to sing the song. He didn’t say it but I knew it was so he could cheer me up a little. Whatever will be, will be.

I spoke to the Koh-i-Noor of my life about all sorts of random things, a sure way to feel human again. And I read this post by Mittali Sethi Ma’am where she says this thing: Place a finger on your nose and smile. I smiled and smiled. She is a magical person! So is my family, Papa has been continuously giving me motivational lectures on failure leading to success. Undoubtedly he is my life’s leading example of the person who never gives up. How can I then?

At the end of all my emotional drama though, I just want two things- some pain and my work, nothing else. Pain is my strength when no human support exists, and studying the reassurance that I am moving towards someplace.

For the dream that has fired my spirit since 9th standard, for the work that I want to do, for everything that I aspire for: I rise again, to shine this time. This is the only way.

If not me then who?

If not now then when?