It is 25th December, and on Christmas Eve I pondered about the many Christmas that went by. Most of them were a blur, uneventful days full of yearnings and hopes for the better. And this year it is better, and it fills my heart to be able to say that. To be able to say that I am fine, that I am grateful for the present moment. That after innumerable days, weeks, months, and years— I can say I am neither trapped in the baggage and regrets of the past, nor in the endless yearnings of my future.

I am just here, just here at NACIN, Faridabad. I look forward to the mornings and the cycling, to the breakfast and the classes that start at 10. I look forward to the new faces that surround me, and to the smiles, we exchange every time we pass by each other. To the staff at the academy who makes the place so wholesome. The quiet serenity of this place, in one single moment, made me feel at ease.

Last year around this time, academically I was at the last leg of Mains revisions. I used to struggle to wake up on time, physically and mentally exhausted. Yet I kept pushing myself and tried to give my all. Emotionally, I was distraught, yearning for illusions that I could not break away from. I didn’t have hopes about the exam or life thereafter. I just wanted to survive, I just wanted to feel comforted, and at ease.

So I tried, I studied, and I kept writing tests. Even if I could not wake up at 7 in those weeks, I would wake up at 9, go for a walk and then study. Even though I could not do all the planned tests, I would still do PYQs and self-assess.

And even though I had nothing else, I had my family & friends, who stuck with me all through.

I could never have imagined then that one day I would feel like I do today. This is not a feeling of victory, triumph, or joy, it is a feeling of being at peace with myself. And I don’t think there is anything more than this that I have ever really sought. Feeling like who I have always been, the person back in school and college and the first 3 years of my prep, is everything to me. And this feeling didn’t come with results, it only came when training started and in tangible & intangible terms, my life gradually, without any beckoning changed for the better.

I write this post to you because I want to reminisce about my past here, it has a message.

Back in December 2020, I was feeling very low after failing my third prelims. I didn’t want anything more than fulfilling my dream. I wanted my hard work to fructify. I wanted to make it big and soon. However, I could not fight the sorrow that engulfed me. In the last week, I remember this friend had made a book reading plan for 31st December. I chose the book, it was Educated by Tara Westover.

But as soon as it was the evening of 31st December, I sat down and thought to myself:

Enough of wallowing in sorrow, enough of wasting time. I am meant for Civil Services, never had a doubt about it. It is time to renew oneself and get back to the grind. I decided I will turn around my life in 2021. And instead of Tara Westover’s Educated, I started with my Optional Revision, before I would switch to Prelims Prep for the next few months.

I consciously told myself and manifested that I will do all it takes to make it, I knew how close I was. It was all about the last push at the exam, It was all a game of patience and consistency after this.

However, Life had its own plans. 2021 in sum was a year of wrong decisions, blunders, unnecessary suffering and being trapped in illusions, but it was also a year of grit, consistency, and hard work. Everything wrong that could happen was happening but I didn’t stop at one thing—- doing my duties for this exam. Studying, revising, giving my tests, it never stopped.

In the first quarter of 2022, when I wrote the mains and gave interview, I was at the lowest of my life. I could cry in the middle of every conversation with my friends, but I did go and write my Mains from 7th Jan, gave the interview on 5th April, and made it to the list on 30th May.

It was possible because of the efforts I had put in over all my attempts and years, but also because in the crucial moments of the exam, I did not give up. I did not let the odds of life put me down. I believed in God, did my duties, took care of myself, wished people well, and had my family and friends to support me.

As 2022 comes to an end, I want you to remember the power of manifestation, of dreams of visualization. Of the power of your own karma, of the power of your prayers and goodwill, of the power of the universe which gives to each one of us, what is best for us, at the time that is best for us, in the way that is best for us. Only, if we keep working for it.

It is no mere 31st December that is on the anvil, it is the end of a chapter of your life that deserves a graceful goodbye. More importantly, it is the beginning of another brand new chapter, which you can script it anew. Through your efforts, mindful reading, effective notes, regular tests, working on the feedback, exam room simulations, mock and practice, through an undaunting belief, that—– YOU’VE GOT THIS!

And whether it is through this examination or any other means, I hope you find your calling, your peace, your joy, and most significantly— YOURSELF!!

And since it is also Vajpayee jee’s birthday, what better way than to end this with his poem:

टूटे हुए तारों से फूटे वासंती स्वर

पत्थर की छाती में उग आया नव अंकुर

झरे सब पीले पात, कोयल की कुहुक रात

प्राची में अरुणिमा की रेख देख पाता हूँ

गीत नया गाता हूँ

————–

टूटे हुए सपनों की कौन सुने सिसकी

अंतर की चीर व्यथा पलकों पर ठिठकी

हार नहीं मानूँगा, रार नहीं ठानूँगा

काल के कपाल पे लिखता मिटाता हूँ

गीत नया गाता हूँ

It is time to write a new song, to sing a new melody.

अब एक नयी गीत लिखने और गाने का वक्त हैं

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year 2023

Until Next time,

Preeti