In the midst of hate,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible love.
In the midst of tears,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy.
For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me,
within me, there’s something stronger – something better,
pushing right back.
-Albert Camus

In the winter of 2016, the heat of college pressure moderated the Delhi winters for me. It was a dismal winter with everything that I did not want and like in my life. And the words of Albert Camus that I revelled in with Titiksha meant a lot. I thought that was the darkest winter I could see.

The contrast was severe because the summer of 2016 was the finest I had seen. I was happy, content, was doing what I loved (i.e., learning and unravelling life with new people and friends from across the world). It was the quintessential summer that can make one nostalgic.

However, amidst all of that I also resolved that this will not be a one time affair. I wanted to be that happy, content and ecstatic for all my life. I resolved I would do all it takes to deserve to be that happy.

In my short and sweet plan about life, the next step is joining the Civil services, the dream of more than half a decade long, the dream that made me who I am in life.

In this pursuit however, I have to admit, the meaning of happiness has transformed.

It startles me to see my pictures of 2016 which I chanced upon today. (I wonder if its a coincidence that this minute emotional outburst follows the day mains 2018 result was out, which reminds me of a lost chance and opportunity.) The photographs however shock me, I repeatedly ask myself: How could I be that happy? I cannot even smile like that anymore, I do not know If I can ever even be that happy. I hope I do, but I do not invest much thought in anticipation of such happiness.

The truth be told, I have always been the happiest kid on the block. Undoubtedly, I had my own fine tragedies and failures in the background but none of it ever suppressed my spirits the way the last two and a half years did. I do not want to demonise this process however. The lows of life, the absence of hope and happiness, they are important I have come to realise.

Happiness today is about waking up on time, revising, studying what I planned, doing good in my tests, few minutes of Table Tennis in the day, the morning walk in the park, the silly jokes that I share with my parents to and fro from the park/gym, Babu’s comic existence, the metro ride to Karol Bagh, the coffee at CCD, Rajiv Chowk while studying, writing answers from Insights, revising PSIR, feeling good about knowing something in life, ticking off topics from the syllabus, standing up after a study sessiom, going to sleep knowing I did something decent in the day, reading the newspaper. Being this involved in a grand pursuit is indeed happiness, even if its without that smile that almost burst into laughter every single time. Also, because I know today that whenever I have the joys of life back, none can appreciate it as much as I will. That gift of insight is what I will take away from this process more than anything else.

I no more am in the phase of emotional doldrums like last year or even a few months back because I am sensible enough to just do what it takes and theorise less on what this process is or could be. Sacrifices made are merely trade-offs, choices I always knew I will have to make.

About life, nobody ever promised the stars will always be in my favour. All that is known and all that is true is that I have to persist to make what is not right, right. My song on loop these days from Gangs of Wasseypur is: “jo wrongwa hain usse, set rightwa karoji..loojiye na hope, thoda fightwa karoji, thoda fightwa karoji..Moora..”  sums up the whole idea for me.

And well I am smiling again by the time I end this post, writing here is like a spiritual exercise. All I can write in my physical journal otherwise is what I studied today, and what I have to study tomorrow. But isn’t that also what a successful athlete is involved in? Planning for today, strategising for the D-day. Sports is indeed human life in  microcosm (Howard Cosell)

So well, If I remove the password protection for others to read this at some point of time. here’s a thought: Find your Invincible summer and hold on to it. It is not outside of us, not even in our best friend or family or the love of our lives, or in a book or an inspirational video. It is within us, and I hope each one of us finds it and lives with strength and grit.