Today, the cadre allotment for IPS was officially released, for CSE 2022. I got the AGMUT cadre, which I was wishing and praying for. One of my close friends called me up and reminded me how I deserve all of this and so much more. He asked me to do something that I will remember this day by, 30 years down the line. I couldn’t think of something very happening on this particular day, but his words pushed me to pause for a moment, and reflect.

I spent years in the process, my first step of success came on 29th october 2021 when the prelims result were declared and I qualified it for the first time in my 4th attempt, this was already 4 years into the preparation since May 2017. I was listening to Adnan Sami’s rendition of “Bhar do jholi” that evening when I expected the results. And when it came, I cried for hours and hours. No further moment could give me the relief. Soon the relief gave way to the necessity of reality, the struggle of prep and facing the lows of loneliness.

In those months of November 21′ to January 22′ when I prepared for that 4th attempt of mine and first mains, the first fortnight was fun as I was driven by the excitement of answer writing. But it soon gave way to facing the loneliness and struggle of this preparation. I was alone, in every sense of the word. And the chimeras of friendship and companionship were withering by each passing day. I was going through a sense of loss that I could not measure, or express in words, but simply be engulfed in.

I want to think today of the girl, who on a certain 26th of November, in a cold dark night thought everything was over for her. I want to think of that girl who struggled everyday to wake up and start anew her preparation for mains in the middle of a harsh Delhi winter. I want to think of the girl who was sick right before mains but did not give up.

That year mains started on January 7th, 2022 and I went and gave all I had to give to the exam. I knew I would get an interview call, I knew what I was worth and what I had put into the exam. In those months of 2022 though, before the interview call and after, there was not a day when tears were not my companion or sleep came easy.

For a brief, unfortunate period of my life I had joined a library in karol bagh after mains in Jan 22′ . It was because I could not bear to sit in the same room I had prepped for years and needed an out. In those days, everyday, when life seemed unbearable, I would sit and quietly weep on my seat in that pathetic library. And when unbearable, walk up to the market behind, go to the temple, ask God for strength, grab a fresh glass of orange juice, walk back to the library and regain a sense of normalcy.

Today I want to remind that girl, that your prayers were answered, and how. That the universe was watching, that there was always hope and light, waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. Today I want to thank myself for never giving up on myself. 

That year via CSE 2021, I got into the Indian Revenue Services (C&IT), and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cribbed for the longest time that the board gave me less interview scores, if not for that I would be in the top ranks. We know little of life though. There is a script writer above who is writing the finest stories, with such nuance and serendipities that none of our aspirations can match. I would not have met the people I met in IRS if not for my low interview score of 151. And I would never have gotten the 198 I got this year, if not for the same people.

I went on to write two mains in 2022, succeeded in the first one (CSE 21) with AIR 242 and second one (CSE 22) too with AIR 130. To the girl who took the chance of going and writing prelims on 5th june 2022, without any preparation—I want to thank her for believing in the power of faith. Of taking leaps and stride with the faith of a ‘what if’, with the spirit of a ‘why not’, with the undying sense of optimism. I would never be in IPS if I had not dared to write prelims of 2022, and it was a decision I took the evening before pre, on 4th June. And what more is life if not for these life altering decisions?

My mind is also drifting toward the unending days, weeks, months and years that had gone in prep. My room in our rented house in Vasant Kunj, when I started my prep. Only a building could be seen across the window, but there used to be sunlight. I had stuck photos of friends and families on my table to keep me close to their memories, while I isolated myself from them, left whatsapp and cut down on most conversations. I remember coming back to that room after failing two consecutive prelims, I think it was after the first pre when we had ordered something from Taco Bell and it seemed like the most tasteless thing I had to swallow. I remember the crying, the phases of falling sick, the days of yearning, the days of aspiring.

In 2020, before covid hit we moved to another accommodation, this time a government colony in the heart of Delhi. My room remained my world, due to both prep and covid. I would often shift its arrangements but could not change the arrangements of my life a lot. I remember the days, that often seem like a void, but I also remember the hope that was driving me. The sunlight that would fill my room every morning, but not my life much.

I saw one failure in this room too, my third attempt in 2020. And what did it do to me? It made me empty in some sense, it blurred my sense of judgment, it made me fall in pits I would have never fallen into. It took me monumental effort to get out of the sorrow of another failure. But yet I did, on 31st december 2020 I decided to have faith in the possibilities of the next year, and it paid off.

I finally left the room after writing two consecutive mains in the same year of 2022, and reaped the joys of it in 2023, when I finally experienced the small and big joys of life.

Today, I want to be grateful for the mountains I have climbed to reach here. The sun, snow and storm that I have endured through the climb. I want to remember today with an acknowledgment we seldom offer to ourselves— that I did as best as I could. Even when I was failing this is what I used to tell myself—- that I didn’t know any better, that I gave my best that I could in the circumstances that I was, and that was satisfaction enough. And this will be satisfaction enough, wherever I go, whatever I do.

And in the face of everything sad and wrong that I saw, I never let myself become it, that I could preserve my core in the midst of everything, that I always knew what was valuable.

And to end this blog, let me share a quote I read yesterday:

“The ultimate way you and I get lucky is if you have some success early in life, you get to find out early it doesn’t mean anything. “

– David Foster Wallace

Those of you still struggling might feel I liked this quote because I am now warmed by the comforts of success. But believe me when I say that even in the face of failures, I had learnt it early enough that the successes I will achieve will mean nothing unless I have my people to share them with. And thus for the longest time, I never enjoyed my successes.

I believe that unless I am successful in finding the semblance of joy in a fulfilling life within and importantly, outside of my job and career, I cannot be truly happy. I knew it then, and I know it now too.

And thus here’s a reminder to chase the true joys of life— friendship, love, family, art, poetry, music, travelling, writing, reading, dancing, everything that makes your soul smile, your eyes sparkle. My wish for myself is to chase more of this in the years to come while doing my job with commitment.

I wonder what the future holds, what more can I ask for, what more can I seek, what more can I be blessed with? But most importantly, how well can I live with gratitude, how can I love better, how can I live better, how best can I preserve my blessings, how best to nurture these gifts?

These are the questions that shall drive my life.

With gratitude,

To the girl who never gave up on herself 🙂